Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
