i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
