my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
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Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
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I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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