she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Success! We fucked roommates!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
