It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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