Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
