why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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