My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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