Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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