Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
