omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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