I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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