Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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