Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
