There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
