dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The air was thick with penises
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
