he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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