our cab driver is having phone sex.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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