I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
