So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
