there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
