New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
