There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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