Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
