mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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