You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
