new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Pooping to opera.
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