my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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