Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
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Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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