This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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