I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
