Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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