Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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