I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
