My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
