Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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