Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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