Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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