We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
