I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
