1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
