I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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