hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
