Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
