He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
