WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
