I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
