I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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