"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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