you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
A+ Viking dick
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