I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
