just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
