First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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