One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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