A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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