Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
