he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
