Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
