This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
