Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
